Audiobooks I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better By Gary B. Lundberg –

I don't read a lot of selfhelp books, but this one was calling out to me And believe it or not, I think about the things it taught me all the time Mostly it is about being a good listener and that most of the time when people are coming to you with a problem, they don't want your help or advice, they want validation Meaning you don't have to fix their problems, you just have to let them know that, yes, what they are going through really is tough and that you care about them Brilliant and true! And practical for real life. In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate effectively Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the nowin role of fixer and empower people to solve their own problems through validationa simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends This book is a lifechanger I read it in bits and pieces and have tried to digest it and make it a part of who I am and how I respond to people It has already changed the way I treat my children I have a really long way to goSomething is better than nothing, I guess. This was the mostinfluential book I read in 2017 (I usually finish a book in a week, but I labored over this one for a month.) This book taught me that I lacked many invaluable emotional/listening/change management skills, which I desperately needed in all my important relationships (e.g., romantic, family, service, friends).Takeaways:1 I am not responsible for other people's problems I am only responsible for my own.2 I cannot fix other people's problems for them even if I wanted to Evidence: when has telling someone (emotional) to do something ever worked out really well for them? Never.3 People arecapable that we think (even children) Very rarely are people unable to come up with solutions to their own problems (when they feel emotionally safe, and given the proper sounding board).3 Lasting change in others' lives does not come from me telling them how to live.4 The greatest influence I can have on someone is by committing to walk their emotional path with them until they feel listened to and understood.5 If you continue along someone's emotional path as a nonjudgemental friend long enough, a miraculous thing can happen—people will eventually reach their emotional bottom, and come up with positive ways act in dealing with their problems These ways are empowering, they are sticky, and sometimes work better than what I might have come up with.6 Therefore, not sharing your potential solutions for someone's problems is not cruel Staying silent is I can best help others by practicing active listening, validating their emotions, and ask compassionate questions that lead them to their own solutions.Other valuable ideas/quotes:Validation is the ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction.4 Rules of Validation:Listen (by giving your full attention)Listen (to the feelings being expressed)Listen (to the needs being expressed)Understand (by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can)The universal need of every human being is to know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.The underlying principles that allows a person to effectively validate someone else is a recognition that I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone else I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better.The responsibility for a person's problems lies with the person who has the problem.The four key elements of effective boundary setting are be kind, gentle, respectful, and firm.Never attempt to teach when the person is upset or in the heat of the moment Cool down, and find another time.Good validating phrases/questions:That's got to be hard.I think I might have felt the same way.How did you feel about that?What do you think might work? I don’t have to make everything all better All I have to do is listen!Listening is hard to do We want to jump in with the solution to the other person’s problem It is amazing how we “know” what the other person “should” do, but if we end up with the same problem they had, we become as confused or witless as they were Don’t prescribe, just listen.Listening is so hard to do that here is a whole book on the topic.Listening is so hard that this book gives six principles “that empower others to solve their own problems.”“Validation is not a cureall It is a way to get some relief from carrying burdens that are not yours It is a way to let people close to you carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree (Introduction)“every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORHT, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMEONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME It would be well to memorize this statement so you can recall it whenever anyone begins to share personal feelings with you.” (Chapter 1)ContentsPart 1: The Principles1 Be an effective validator2 Leave the responsibility where it belongs3 Acknowledge emotions4 Develop the art of listening5 Find the right time to teach6 Learn the effective validating phrases and questionPart 2: The ApplicationChapters illustrating validation in various setting followConclusion 1 What is validation? “The ability to walk emotionally with another person ”2 What are the four rules of validation? LISTEN (by giving your full attention) LISTEN (to the feelings being expressed) LISTEN (to the needs being expressed) UNDERSTAND (by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can)3 What is the universal need of every human being?4 What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?5 Where does the responsibility for someone’s problem lie?6 What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?7 When is the right time to teach?8 Give two good validating phrases and questions? (Page 266267 of 272)It is written with lots of anecdotes At first that was a bit disappointing, and I gradually realized that is what most people relate to After realizing that I began to quite enjoy the book I even enjoyed the chapters in part 2 talking about settings that don’t apply to me.I have the 1995 edition, which has the same ISBN as the 1999 edition, but is 272 pages long instead of 304 pages. Wow! This book just crossed my path for a moment, and I am so glad I took the time to read it I am constantly feeling guilty either about not being able to help when I want to, or about being manipulated into helping when I don't want to help others solve their problems And I know I need to work on being a better listener This book addressed the issue of being a great listener, validating others, and keeping healthy boundaries in a respectful way The first section of the book introduces the principles with some real world examples so you understand them, and then the second section is all about application in different relationships There are chapters for young children, teens, adult children, spouses, parents inlaws, divorced and blended families, friends and on the job Very helpful, and I will definitely revisit this book as my children grow! My favorite parts and notes of things I want to remember: (view spoiler)[1 Be an effective validator: Everyone deserves to believe I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me Use PAM (positive mental attitude/look on the bright side statements) after the other person starts talking that way themselves Understanding is not the same as agreeing with or condoning the action Personal boundaries do not have to change when you use validation Your boundaries must have these attributes: (1) kind, (2) gentle, (3) respectful, and (4) firm Validation always opens the door to communication, and the lack of validation always closes it Teach others to validate by setting the example of validation yourself.2 Leave responsibility where it belongs: You do not have the power to make anything all better for anyone else You can offer help, but you can't make it all better While your solution may work perfectly for you, the other person must come up with a solution that will work for them Asking questions can help them discover that solution When offering to help, ask lots of questions to be sure you know what they need and expect Stick with your boundaries (see above) Remember we cannot control what anyone else says We can only control what we say It is fascinating to observe what can happen when, at any point during a conversation, you start validating the other person's feelings The arguing will stop immediately and effective solutions can then begin to be worked out.3 Acknowledge emotions: Those who cannot verbalize their emotions have learned one or a combination of these misleading concepts: (1) It is not safe to express feelings, (2) It is not okay to believe what I am feeling; rather, look to someone else to tell me what to feel, (3) It doesn't matter what I feel, (4) Emotions are bad Don't unintentionally perpetuate these concepts at home! (ie You can't be hungry, we just ate!, It's not a big deal, get over it., Stop crying.) Validate the feelings, then say Nevertheless, (ie I understand you are hungry son, nevertheless, we won't be eating again until five o'clock These are kids who are growing up without the basic human skills of empathy In many cases (of juvenile sex offenders, but could also be applied to other cases of problem children), parents have put too much emphasis on discipline and not enough on children's feelings If we don't appreciate children's feelings, they grow up not appreciating other people's {feelings] After we allow the other person to express their feelings (anger, hatred, sadness, etc.) it will leave.4 Develop the art of listening: includes body language art of questioning: check your motive, good questions usually start with how, what, when, where, do, and is The great invalidator: BUT If we want our children to listen to us, we must first be willing to listen to them!5 Find the right time to teach: NOT in the heat of the moment not all questions need immediate answers If someone asks for advice, turn it back to them: What do you think you should do? You can offer advice, as a suggestion with no shoulds, oughts, or pressure Planned teaching times: mealtime, bedtime, family time together, working together, learning excursions (cancer surgeon talking about the effects of tobacco, prison to see firsthand results of stealing), notes and telephone calls Sometimes the experience is the teacher and nothing needs to be said except, Did you learn something? In the process of speaking their minds, our youth often see the folly of their own thinking When we share our point of view, they often feelcompelled to keep defending theirs! Sometimes we push so hard to get our children to behave the way we think they ought to that we dive a giant wedge between them and us We are so afraid they are going to make a wrong choice that we immediately instruct them When we take away their right to choose, we force them into choosing the opposite!6 Learn the effective validating phrases and questions: Phrases: oh!, I'll bet that's hard, I think I understand, I'm happy for you, What an awkward situation to be in, tell me , etc Questions: How did you feel about that?, What do you think might work?, Are there other options?, What does that mean?, Would it help if I?, etc.Rules of Validation:(1) LISTEN to what is being said and the events being related Give your full attention to the person who is speaking.(2) LISTEN to the feelings being expressed.(3) LISTEN to the needs being expressed.(4) UNDERSTAND by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can (hide spoiler)] Lund’s ideas really resonated with me I’ve been trying to be better about how I react to my kids (mis)behavior and this really helped me think how to stay calm and give them the validation they need. This is a fantastic book I can't recommend it enough for fixers like me, who really do just want to make it all better Practical advice that works to help heal relationships and to keep hurt feelings and misunderstandings at bay I have begun to incorporate the principles espoused in this book and I can tell you they work beautifully I believe reading this has saved my relationships with my daughters I can't put itstrongly than that Most times people want validation of their feelings, not advice or criticism I know for me, when I go to someone for sympathy and to vent, and instead get I told you so, or their own stories, it makes me resentful of not being heard This book made me realize how often I do that as well, and it's past time for a change. This should be mandatory reading for every parent Commonsense approach for learning to walk beside someone but not take on their issues This is our 5th copy We originally purchased this book in the late 1990's We have given 4 copies away to friends and have had wonderful feedback Just dealing with our adult children, we find we have to reread this to know how to support them emotionally but not solve their problems Wish I had had this book while raising kids!!! Excellent! Truly a good read. I am learning how to respond to husband, friends, family when they ask for advice that you don't do a putdown but instead a validation It is okay to start out using the words: how, what, when, where, do and is, but do not use why.Then you ask them if they can think of an idea that would solve the problem It even works on children.